RE: the beginning of the journey

Re-invent
Re-pent
Re-work it
Re-move it
Re-do it
Re-organize
Re-juvenate

The year of the "re".

I am embarking upon my 39th birthday, this weekend to be exact. And I am not happy. Not with the fact that I am turning 39, but with me. Who I am , or who I am not, at this age. REmembering back to when I was a little girl. Even amidst the chaos and instability that I was raised in...I still wanted to be something special. What little girl doesn't? I didn't have a dad growing up. Oh, I had daddies...a few. But not a father. So, I didn't have that relationship to model my future husband after. I wasn't the apple of someone's eye. I didn't have a male protector. But I did have my moo-moo (my affectionate name for my mom) and my little sister. I grew up knowing a lot of what I didn't want. But somehow, I managed to gain just that, a lot of what I didn't want: weight and insecurity.

Overweight, out of shape and lots of work to do.

So, I can look at this, my fortieth year, as a sad thing...as a "look where I am, nowhere" or...

I can ....RE. I can "re" a lot of things that make me unhappy. Why, why, why should I be unhappy? I have a loving husband and a precious daughter. A thriving business, an amazing church family, friends and family...

I must begin to like me. I must create the change that I want to see. Then and only then will I start to like me and finally, love me. The things that I am blessed with, they are blessings, but they can't make me "do it." That is up to me.

My most important Re's:

1. God, my relationship with HIM (re-connecting and re-deepening)

2. My husband (re-ignite)

3. My daughter (re-model a role model for her)

The rest, well...it is up to me, I mean, RE.

My first re. RE-Commit to my health
I am overweight. By a lot. According to the doc, I could lose 50 lbs. Yes...I could actually qualify for candidacy on the Biggest Loser. Which brings me to my a-ha "re" moment. I had felt a stirring for quite some time that some changes needed to take place. Lots of changes. But I would get so overwhelmed with how much I wanted to do. Last week, I read that Ali Vincent, the First Female Biggest Loser, would be at a book signing at a book store very close to where I work. It was scheduled for 7pm. I wanted to go, I felt a strange urge, a pulling, that I must go. However, my three-year old daughter would have to come with me. Her preschool is right around the corner from where I work and closes at 6pm. My husband was recovering from surgery so he would not be in the best position to care for her...and it was an hour commute, minimum, to get home. So, I braved it. Picked Liv up and went to McDonald's (yeah, I know....bad choice) and had some dinner. Then we hit the book store. I was filled with excitement and so was Olivia. So much that she had a hard time containing it. Looking back, I feel bad for expecting so much out of her. She is only three. She actually did very well for the anti-child environment I put her in. You know where I am coming from....lots of adults, single, or child-less for the evening. Turning and looking at you because your child is not perfectly still and quiet. Sigh. But, we endured. I got to hear most of what Ali was saying. Several things resonated with me

• She had a very similiar upbringing


• She realized while wearing a size 18, that her clothes were cutting into her skin. Right there with ya babe...size 16 is killing me.


• She achieved what I would like to achieve. Living a sedentary life style and turned it in to an active one. Living proof that I could do it


• She reminded us that we have to love ourselves. Love myself? I barely like myself. Is that the missing link for me?

I stood in line. I comforted my tired child. I waited. I begged my daughter to try for just a few minutes. I got closer...there she was. Tiny and fit and darling. Welcoming me with a huge smile and a giant sharpie to sign the book. I apologized for the bit of noise from Olivia, she was so kind. She told me of a time that she had gone to an event where her sister's kids were at and she bought up as many drink tickets as she could to hand out to those who were there without kids. I remarked that I should have brought a flask for the group that night....to which she threw her head back and laughed. Comforted. Thank you, Ali.

The picture is priceless....She is in her gorgeous outfit and pretty booming smile and I am holding a less than thrilled child and my make-up is nowhere to be found after the three mini nervous breakdowns I had throughout the evening!

Liv, Me and Ali Vincent 11/20/09

The next day I made a pact with my dear friend Jessica to be active for at least 30 minutes per day for six days a week. After that visit I took Olivia to the Greenway for a 30 minute walk. Been walkin' ever since.

*Overcame the temptation of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies last night and a birthday cupcake from a sweet co-worker today (in honor of the large 39 coming up!)

Change is happening. It has only been a few days. But, I feel something inside of me that I have never felt before. Determination. Procrastination has always been a problem of mine. Did you know that "Tina" is Procrastination's middle name? Really...look!