Papa's gone home...

He passed away last night. About 10:30 Eastern Time. I am still struggling with the belief that he is not here. That I can't call him and have him simply answer "teeeeeeenaaaa weeeeeenaaaa!" My heart hurts.

REcognize a God Wink when you see one

My step-father is dying. He has been fighting cancer for about 5 years. But now, he is near the end. My heart is wrenched. I love him. I love him for many reasons. He is the only man I have ever witnessed being nice to my mom. Nice, as in, not hitting her, not drinking and drugging and then abusing her, giving her a nice home to live in and a decent car to drive, being a decent man, a political man, a smart and educated man. A man who stands his ground. An entrepreneur. A political man who votes and has held public office. A generous man. Honestly, I don't know how my husband and I could have made it during our first year as parents with very little income due to my choosing to stay at home with our daughter. Every month, quietly, discreetly, a check would arrive in the mail. Each month for that first year it came. Like clockwork. No strings. Just love, and advice and prayers. Security. That is what I think of when I think of him. And now, he is dying. And, he is fighting it. This morning I asked God to help him come peacefully. To not fight and to give himself some sort of peace through this. Today I saw a butterfly, a small white one, fluttering around. Probably the last one of this season. It reminded me of my prayer request this morning. Minutes later as I parked my car a moth landed on my hood. It struggled across the hood, as if it couldn't fly, as if it were injured or maybe fighting the urge to fly. And then, it spread it's wings and took flight. I wondered then...is this God saying to me "I have it under control. He is in my wings now and I will give him a safe and beautiful passage. As a human he will fight...until the very end.

REapply: My Scary Face

This morning while getting ready for school/work I rattled off a list of things that needed to be accomplished before we could leave the house. "We need to brush your teeth, take the dog out, and I need to put mascara on my face then we can go." To which Olivia replied..."Mommy, why are you going to put on your scary face?" Sigh.

REmember: In another life.

In another life. I would have been Paramore's Hayley Williams.

She is the epitomy of awesomeness and coolness.

I am twice her age. If she reads this she might get a little freaked out.

When I am alone. I am her. In the car with the windows up, in the shower, on stage at Madison Square Gardens. She is me.
sigh. I need a glass of wine.

I always wanted to be MUSIC. Literally. Either on stage or back stage or producing it. At 13 I decided that I would become a producer and that I would name my label "Manifest Destiny". I wanted to be the female Berry Gordy. I wanted to have unnaturally colored hair and tattoos. Well, I still want that! But. Dreams. They sometimes don't come with you when you leave town. Sometimes they sit on a shelf and collect dust and years and time. And effort. Life is much different now than what I at one time imagined it would be. Fear. It is a bad thing. Insecurity, even worse. Oh yeah, and that I was never talented musically be it by voice, presence or the ability to produce a song...that didn't help either. I moved to Tennessee. I met John. I was for the first time in my life, secure and truly loved. I married him. We floated for 10 years. Then Olivia was born. Still floating. Love her and him more than myself...but sometimes, when I see a young wild gal on stage I float over there to a corner of the stage. The corner with play lists and empty beverage containers, amps and strings. sigh. I really need a glass of wine!

REvisit: Zumba...I'm back ya'll!

Ahhhhh! Zumba, how I have missed you. Really, I have. It has been a fastfood induced six weeks without you. Although it is hard to come to you after a long commute to work, a long day at work and a long commute home. Although it is difficult to step out of the house after I have shredded boneless ribs and baked them in my Pampered Chef stoneware after being bathed in bbq sauce. Although it is really upsetting to deny my inner urge to put my behind where it loves to dwell (i.e. the middle cushion of the couch or on my bed propped with pillows and book in tow). I have come to you. And, now that I am in your face...I am lovin' you. I am transformed by the soundsystem. I become a hip hop queen, a Latin belly-dancing fool, a rock star onstage. I am a size 3 in workout gear with my waterbottle and towel. I am the stuff that dreams are made of. Ten minutes in to the class I am crying out to Jesus. Thirty minutes through and I am screaming out to Jesus. Five minutes before we get in to the cool down part I am praising Jesus. And, at the end, I am thankful that I came to you. Thankful for our time together. I grab my gym bag and turn to leave you. I see me, the real me, in the wall and floor length mirror and I vow to never leave you, to return to you time and time again. To never eat chocolate, or Mexican, or drink or overindulge at all.

REacclimate: Fit Food Shopping

Hit the Kroger on the good ole lunch hour (45 minutes) and the newness of it all was a bit intoxicating. The whole lunch 3/4 of an hour was. First, the weather...sensational. High 70's, sunny, breezy and blue. Sigh. Second, the shopping was quick, planned, good couponage, and only one luxury item purhcased which was dark chocolate. I came back to the office, reluctantly. I hit the breakroom and got to work. The menu: French Onion Soup, Golden Califlower, and a bubbly spritzer (i.e. 1/2 can of Campbell's Condensed French Onion Soup, two tablespoons of croutons and 1 stick of string cheese, a single serving of (ho ho ho) Green Giant Cauliflower and Cheese, and a Diet Dr. Pepper). Delish. and according to myfitnesspal.com, only 225 calories. Rock on! Back to the dark chocolate. I am a sweet tooth addict. If you put anything sweet in my reach, I will eat it, I will move in on it and growl like a cat who has not eaten in a week, I will take no prisoners. Fun Size is supposed to make you eat smaller portions and enjoy the smallness of it all. However, I taste one and then, if you are close to me...step off, back up, shut the front door. Move out. I will hurt you. Seriously, it is not pretty. So, I have purchased this bar of dark chocolate in the hopes that I can eat one square, per day. One square, per day. To savor it, to allow it to melt and move slowly and dreamily into my digestive tract creating a mini-vacay with complete calm and no movement towards the second square one day early....I will keep you posted.

REmove: no more fast food. seriously.

I am done, over it, finito, see ya. I have eaten more fast food in the last two months than I care to admit. I a supposed to be training for my first 5k which is set for Turkey weekend which also happens to be my 40th birthday. So, goodbye value meal number 2 at McDonald's. So long lovah. You are no good for me or my girlish figure. She are slowing me down and makin' my roundness a "not so good thing!" OK...bring on the whole foods and Zumba!