Papa's gone home...

He passed away last night. About 10:30 Eastern Time. I am still struggling with the belief that he is not here. That I can't call him and have him simply answer "teeeeeeenaaaa weeeeeenaaaa!" My heart hurts.

REcognize a God Wink when you see one

My step-father is dying. He has been fighting cancer for about 5 years. But now, he is near the end. My heart is wrenched. I love him. I love him for many reasons. He is the only man I have ever witnessed being nice to my mom. Nice, as in, not hitting her, not drinking and drugging and then abusing her, giving her a nice home to live in and a decent car to drive, being a decent man, a political man, a smart and educated man. A man who stands his ground. An entrepreneur. A political man who votes and has held public office. A generous man. Honestly, I don't know how my husband and I could have made it during our first year as parents with very little income due to my choosing to stay at home with our daughter. Every month, quietly, discreetly, a check would arrive in the mail. Each month for that first year it came. Like clockwork. No strings. Just love, and advice and prayers. Security. That is what I think of when I think of him. And now, he is dying. And, he is fighting it. This morning I asked God to help him come peacefully. To not fight and to give himself some sort of peace through this. Today I saw a butterfly, a small white one, fluttering around. Probably the last one of this season. It reminded me of my prayer request this morning. Minutes later as I parked my car a moth landed on my hood. It struggled across the hood, as if it couldn't fly, as if it were injured or maybe fighting the urge to fly. And then, it spread it's wings and took flight. I wondered then...is this God saying to me "I have it under control. He is in my wings now and I will give him a safe and beautiful passage. As a human he will fight...until the very end.

REapply: My Scary Face

This morning while getting ready for school/work I rattled off a list of things that needed to be accomplished before we could leave the house. "We need to brush your teeth, take the dog out, and I need to put mascara on my face then we can go." To which Olivia replied..."Mommy, why are you going to put on your scary face?" Sigh.

REmember: In another life.

In another life. I would have been Paramore's Hayley Williams.

She is the epitomy of awesomeness and coolness.

I am twice her age. If she reads this she might get a little freaked out.

When I am alone. I am her. In the car with the windows up, in the shower, on stage at Madison Square Gardens. She is me.
sigh. I need a glass of wine.

I always wanted to be MUSIC. Literally. Either on stage or back stage or producing it. At 13 I decided that I would become a producer and that I would name my label "Manifest Destiny". I wanted to be the female Berry Gordy. I wanted to have unnaturally colored hair and tattoos. Well, I still want that! But. Dreams. They sometimes don't come with you when you leave town. Sometimes they sit on a shelf and collect dust and years and time. And effort. Life is much different now than what I at one time imagined it would be. Fear. It is a bad thing. Insecurity, even worse. Oh yeah, and that I was never talented musically be it by voice, presence or the ability to produce a song...that didn't help either. I moved to Tennessee. I met John. I was for the first time in my life, secure and truly loved. I married him. We floated for 10 years. Then Olivia was born. Still floating. Love her and him more than myself...but sometimes, when I see a young wild gal on stage I float over there to a corner of the stage. The corner with play lists and empty beverage containers, amps and strings. sigh. I really need a glass of wine!

REvisit: Zumba...I'm back ya'll!

Ahhhhh! Zumba, how I have missed you. Really, I have. It has been a fastfood induced six weeks without you. Although it is hard to come to you after a long commute to work, a long day at work and a long commute home. Although it is difficult to step out of the house after I have shredded boneless ribs and baked them in my Pampered Chef stoneware after being bathed in bbq sauce. Although it is really upsetting to deny my inner urge to put my behind where it loves to dwell (i.e. the middle cushion of the couch or on my bed propped with pillows and book in tow). I have come to you. And, now that I am in your face...I am lovin' you. I am transformed by the soundsystem. I become a hip hop queen, a Latin belly-dancing fool, a rock star onstage. I am a size 3 in workout gear with my waterbottle and towel. I am the stuff that dreams are made of. Ten minutes in to the class I am crying out to Jesus. Thirty minutes through and I am screaming out to Jesus. Five minutes before we get in to the cool down part I am praising Jesus. And, at the end, I am thankful that I came to you. Thankful for our time together. I grab my gym bag and turn to leave you. I see me, the real me, in the wall and floor length mirror and I vow to never leave you, to return to you time and time again. To never eat chocolate, or Mexican, or drink or overindulge at all.

REacclimate: Fit Food Shopping

Hit the Kroger on the good ole lunch hour (45 minutes) and the newness of it all was a bit intoxicating. The whole lunch 3/4 of an hour was. First, the weather...sensational. High 70's, sunny, breezy and blue. Sigh. Second, the shopping was quick, planned, good couponage, and only one luxury item purhcased which was dark chocolate. I came back to the office, reluctantly. I hit the breakroom and got to work. The menu: French Onion Soup, Golden Califlower, and a bubbly spritzer (i.e. 1/2 can of Campbell's Condensed French Onion Soup, two tablespoons of croutons and 1 stick of string cheese, a single serving of (ho ho ho) Green Giant Cauliflower and Cheese, and a Diet Dr. Pepper). Delish. and according to myfitnesspal.com, only 225 calories. Rock on! Back to the dark chocolate. I am a sweet tooth addict. If you put anything sweet in my reach, I will eat it, I will move in on it and growl like a cat who has not eaten in a week, I will take no prisoners. Fun Size is supposed to make you eat smaller portions and enjoy the smallness of it all. However, I taste one and then, if you are close to me...step off, back up, shut the front door. Move out. I will hurt you. Seriously, it is not pretty. So, I have purchased this bar of dark chocolate in the hopes that I can eat one square, per day. One square, per day. To savor it, to allow it to melt and move slowly and dreamily into my digestive tract creating a mini-vacay with complete calm and no movement towards the second square one day early....I will keep you posted.

REmove: no more fast food. seriously.

I am done, over it, finito, see ya. I have eaten more fast food in the last two months than I care to admit. I a supposed to be training for my first 5k which is set for Turkey weekend which also happens to be my 40th birthday. So, goodbye value meal number 2 at McDonald's. So long lovah. You are no good for me or my girlish figure. She are slowing me down and makin' my roundness a "not so good thing!" OK...bring on the whole foods and Zumba!

REcognize: Panache

My daughter has style

she is a rock star.
rock on Liv.

REbuke: sustenance

Dear Grande Marble Macchiatto and fortune cookie, I love you, I do...it's not you, it's me. You are just too good for me. I have to let you go. I'm sorry, really, I am. I hope you find some other pitiful idiot who should have continued her 5K training over the last six months but decided to go on a binge love affair with sugar...

grande marble macchiato and a fortune cookie. mmmm.
sustenance comes in all forms.

note the placement of my not-so-nutritional sustenance, smack in front of my current diet books and my inspirational picture of a salad eating cat (I love this picture! It is the front of a card from my Aunt Gem)

REdecorate: The tent

My husband thought it best to stay far far far away from me while I slept in a codeine-induced coma due to bronchitis that I was struck with this past week.

Olivia thought it was best too. They decided that camping out, in the living room, a mere 800 square feet from me and my germs...was an adventure waiting to happen...

the tent.
notice the pink fuzzy princess slippers just outside of the tent.
no slippers allowed inside.
not even pink fuzzy princess ones.

however, princesses are allowed.

REally Sad and REally Sick.

Let's wander back a few months shall we?

We lost our sweet girl, our big dog, Charlie in June. Old age and hip dysplaysia. She was our fur-child for fourteen years. It was heartbreaking for all of us but especially John. Charlie was his dog, John was her human. Then, close to her 4th birthday Olivia became sick with a fever that hung around for four days. It was a very difficult time for John and I as parents to watch her and do all that we could with no luck of conquering the fever. Eventually after a second visit to the doctor she received a shot of rocefin (sp?)and the fever broke...like a river that had been blocked by a dam, the fever broke! Wouldn't you know it, I got sick too. Then, as luck would have it, John caught the bug. The problem with John's bug is that it was mean. It was a Super Bug, he ended up being hospitalized for 7 days with a drug-resistant pneumonia. He is home and recovering. Praise God! Then, two nights ago, I took our little dog, our Freddy, out to the back yard. Twenty minutes later I went to bring her in and she was running around in circles. Not the "there's a squirrel that I must get" circles, but drunken sailor circles. Her eyes were twitching, she could not focus, her head was that of a bobble head doll and she kept falling down. I just knew that she had either 1) been bitten by a snake 2) eaten a mushroom 3) suffered a stroke. Upon taking her to the vet, we were told she had "Old Dog Syndrome" which is an inflammation of the inner ear and creates a "vertigo-esque" condition. Poor thing! The only one who has not succumbed to death or severe illness in our home is the cat. I have had a top secret conference with her. She is to avoid everyone and everything except her litter box, her food and her water for at least the next two weeks. We'll see.

REawaken: My eyes have been opened

MyFitnessPal - Nutrition Facts For Foods

Thanks to my good friend, Jessica, I have checked out MyFitnessPal.com. I am in shock. Complete and utter shock. The foods that I have been eating sound so healthy and good for you with the right kinds of fat (who knew?!) and protein...I have been blind.

Yesterday, I went over my suggested caloric intake of 1200 calories by more than 2400 calories. Yes, I said 2400! My fat grams were over by 124g, my protein by 61g.

So, avacado's, olive oil, multi-grain bread, yogurt ALL GOOD. in moderation. Geez, sigh! I actually got caught up on that wheel of 'good fats, good for you' which if not kept in check will add nothing but fat and more fat to your already bulging curves.

I am proud to report, however, that I took a Zumba class at the Y last night.

After I got home from the gym and plowed through a bowl vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup (yes, I can hear you tsk, tsk, tsking or laugh laugh laughing) my husband and I had a conversation, with adjectives and complete sentences. Our daughter wants to eat junk, all junk, all day, all night. It's our fault. We have made it available to her. The "convenience" of it all is killing us. Literally. Our health is suffering at an alarming rate. I could barely keep up. Oh I moved allright but I could not give it my all. I was red-faced beyond the "I just worked out red face" My face looked more like I laid in the sun for 72 hours straight.

REdoing it: The Couch-to-5K Running Plan

Arrrggghhh. I suck. Really, I do. I started out this year with "Yeah,I am gonna run a 5k on my 40th bday...I have a year to train, nuthin' to it..." but the reality is, I bit off more than I could chew in several areas. So...I still have 4 1/2 months to train. I think I can do it. It is a little over three miles. I think I can do it. I think I can I think I can I think I can...chugga chugga puff puff. I visited my fave website for this very training, it is www.coolrunning.com The Couch-to-5K Running plan or c25k for short. You train three days a week...walk, jog, walk, jog, walk, jog. Here is my teensy predicament. I am tired. So tired. The kind of tired that makes you wonder if someone slipped something illegal into your water bottle. Doc says low iron and possible anemia. I have been eating ice like I will never have the chance to eat it again. Killlin' my teeth! Here is the challenge: Will I use this as an excuse to not train? I can't! I will never turn 40 again and running on your 41st bday doesn't look as good on a tshirt or facebook post as running your first 5k on your 40th. So,I must get thy bootay to the gym and hit the treadmill. Walk, jog, walk, jog, walk, jog.

REmember and REthink

So I am drinking a glass of Shiraz. Not to fond of it at the first few sips, but now it is starting to grow on me. I decide to work on my playlist @ playlist.com (find my playlists...my31baglady) anyhow, for quite some time I have been thinking about what would the Twilight Saga Soundtracks be comprised of if say they had been produced, in the 80's? Wow...many sounds come to my mind.

Fly on the Windscreen - Depechemode
The Chauffer - Duran Duran
Friends of Mine - Duran Duran
Killing Moon - Echo & The Bunnymen
Anything by The Cure, Siouxie and the Banshees,

Why does my heart flitter flutter when I hear this music? Is it because it was my "drug" when I was such a good girl? From 13-15 I spent a lot of time with my radio and my record player (note: not turntable, record player!) I was a product of divorce, alcoholism, and lots of drama. So, my comfort was music. I remember holding my radio to my ear on Sunday nights to catch "Rock Over London" at midnight...there was a fine line on the volume dial. One too many and Mom yelled for me to shut it off and one less and I couldn't hear so I had to press the speaker to my ear. Maybe that is one reason I can't hear very well today!

I can remember sad songs that broke my heart, Jane Says by Jane's Addiction and all songs by The Cure...I clung to them like they were written for me and my sad existence. When I was listening, singing, I could drift away into the world of Rock & Roll. It was a great ride.
90's?
Starting to Remember and Midnight Sun by D2

REdevastated

Twilight, at my age?

It has been a mystery to me, and to others around me, as to why am I so engrossed in a series that allegedly is written for teens. Maybe because it is a timeless love story. It has all of the requirements: angst, misery, a light...falling in love with the boy that you should not fall in love with. It dredged up for me the difficult relationships that I had as a teen and a young adult.

My one-sided crush on Joe all through Jr. High. I carried a teensy little match for him through High School but was very careful to not reveal that to anyone else. He wrote the sweetest note in my yearbook at the very end of Senior year. It almost made up for the six plus years of my private heartache! Then there was Billy Crawford. The only boy to ever endanger my friendships. He broke up with me two weeks before my prom. And then, finally, there was Kyle. Truly....the worst of the worst. This boy made...no, I allowed this boy to pulverize my heart and soul. He drug it to h-e-double hockey sticks and back. Really, it was the ONE, that defined me for quite some time. It made a fool of me, it hurt more than just about anything I had experienced up until that time. It brought out the worst in me. The worst sort of person. Desperate, lonely, used. It tore through me to the depths of my heart, my soul...but I am not bitter :) After him, I took a six month sabbatical from dating...from going out period. I got my own apartment and lived by myself for six months. Then, I met my "Edward". John, my husband, is certainly not dangerous, he doesn't thirst for blood, nor is he 109 years old. But, he saved me. He pulled me from the pit I was in and showed me that nice guys, good guys, guys who did what they said they were going to do, and call when they said they would call...existed. So, for that, he is my Edward. Stephenie Meyers wrote about a universal heart problem, the one we all experience, however, Bella's story, albeit crazed and dangerous, boils down to one beautiful thing: against all odds and even the very nature of love in our realm...prevailed. It prevailed out of a story that should not have worked. So, the big three for me, the ones that didn't happen and the two that should never have happened, were dredged up for me. During this story Bella pursues the one she should not have but it worked. So, for a time, while reading, your heart is reminded of the big bad ones that you wanted so very much to work...but didn't. You can feel Edward's torment as well. He knows better, his every instinct tells him that he is more than capable of shredding Bella and her heart to pieces. He attempts the bad boy behavior that keeps us girls begging for more. The mean face, the ignoring, the peek-a-boo stuff like on one day he is talking to you and the next he is running away. Edward did all of this with a pure heart, he knew it was wrong and knew she would pursue so he did all of this to remove himself from her path, the path that would lead to him destroying her. So, the big three did the same thing...but they were protecting themselves from me, from dealing with an over the top crazed lovestruck girl. There's was not as nice as Edwards, but the same thing. So while reading this and not yet knowing if he was being a good guy or a bad guy, the old wounds open up.

REjoin, REfocus, REread.

Silence. Several months worth. So sorry. It has been a while.

So much going on, I am unsure where to start. RE...hmmmmm, so many opportunities to RE.

I stopped WW, lost about 9 pounds which was good.

I RE-joined the YMCA. Zumba, ahhhh, a great workout, a great stress reliever.

RE-focus. That is what I need. Refocus and recommit.

Can I tell you what I have really been up to these last few months? Promise to listen to the whole story?

twilight.

Yes, Twilight. I am a reader. I love reading and have even dreamt of being a writer. I can barely disect and label a sentence...so blogging helps me with the writer wanna be in me.

When I read a story, a good story, a well-written story, I become invested. Emotionally. I had been avoiding the whole Twilight movement for a couple of years. See, I was/am a HP fan. I mourned the end of that series...it was difficult when it ended. I am still waiting for J.K. Rowling to announce that she was just kidding and that book 8 is underway. Really. So, when the opportunity to immerse myself into another series opened up to me, I ran away screaming "no!!!!"

However, I was channel surfing through a free movie channel weekend and caught a glimpse of Twilight. I watched a portion and then searched the guide for when it would be on again. I set the DVR to record. Big mistake, huge. From that moment of watching the entire movie, it took less than four weeks to read the saga. I am not very impressed with the amount of time, you see...I am married, and a mother of a pre-schooler, and work fulltime and commute three hours daily, and have a business. So, four weeks when you factor all of that in, is impressive. I have the pains in my neck to prove it from the hours spent up way past my bed time reading in bed, propped by pillows but not holding my neck the way that my PT told me too.



to be continued...

REquote: "The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start." -John Bingham

I, Tina N. Randolph, have successfully completed my first official 5K. Yay!!!


I had not trained in almost three weeks so I was a bit unsure of how the day would go. Let me just start by saying...

"The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start." -John Bingham

Thanks to my friends Stephanie and Lee for "sponsoring" my first 5K. Blessed to have such amazing people in my life is an understatement! Mr. Lee ran and Stephanie, Ella Rose, Olivia and I joined in with our strollers after the runners had taken off. We kept a very brisk pace. Stephanie encouraged me to run a bit. I wasn't able to kick it in to gear for more than 10-20 seconds? I kept tensing up in my shoulders, arms and hands to keep a grip on the stroller. I will take Steph's advice to use the palms of my hands from now on! Although it was a smalllllllll time to run, I can say, I ran. I ran in my first 5K.

We got mixed up in some walkers here and there. People always talk about not wanting to get stuck behind the strollers...but Steph and I were Rollin' Mama's! I took her lead as she jogged and swerved like a pro throughout the maze of walkers. It was cool!

There were lots of inclines at the beginning but there was a great deal of down hill through the last half. It was really neat to see the animals that were out (Bengal Tigers, some monkeys..or were they little apes?, Lynx, Lemurs. We also got to go behind the scenes somewhat on the trail. All of the Zoo employees were on hand to cheer us on and keep us motivated. Because it was the Zoo Run Run, entrants were encouraged to dress up as animals. Saw quite a few leopards, a panda bear, a butterfly...really creative people.

The most interesting thing for me was the culture of runners. The warm-ups, the commraderie, the carb-loaded dinner after the race along with Vitamin Water. The timed runners ceremony, the gear: Cool shoes and running socks. Running socks...have you ever?

Well, it is finished. And now I am searching for the next 5K. I am greatly encouraged that I will RUN the 5K on my 40th birthday (November 2010). I see now how serious I need to be in training in order to accomplish that.

REmotivated: 9 pounds down and one 5K to go

I lost 9 pounds....9, 9, yes, 9! (Channeling Ferris Buehler's mom when Principal called to tell her that Ferris had missed school...9 times)

It has taken me about four weeks. But I know that it was hard work and although I would love to see a bigger number, I am pleased with what I have. Faithful to the program? For the most part...counting points, tracking food, etc. Faithful to my exercise program...not so much. I had been training for the upcoming 5K using coolrunning.com's "C25K" program (from couch potato to 5K runner in two months) but training stalled on January 2. My last run/walk was January 1 in very bitter cold temperatures and it took me about two hours to recover from the asthma. So, the weather up till now has been either freezing (below 30 degrees) or windy/rainy. I have to figure out how to overcome this obstacle. If it was just procrastination and procrastination alone I would be ashamed. The asthma makes it tough. So, I am a bit nervous about my 5K this coming weekend. Unsure if I will be able to wog (walk/jog). I guess it doesn't matter much. As long as I show up and do.

REcommit: I have missed you.

Have you missed me?
I have been away. Well, not 'away' but you know...busy. Too busy to blog you say? How rude! My mom and step-father visited over the holidays and prior to that Olivia was sick and post that our typical schedule picked back up. Eat, sleep, fight to get out of the door on time, work. Rinse and repeat.

So I have been eating mindfully. I have not been exercising. I am a bit ashamed. I am supposed to be training for my first 5K that is at the Nashville Zoo next weekend...(NEXT!!!!)but have not trained since New Year's Day. It has been fahreeeezing. Seriously. Colder than I remember it being in a long time. Had to break out the good ole inhaler that day. Took hours to get rid of the bone chill. Haven't hit the pavement since. I am a wuss. An out of shape wuss. And to top it all off I am supposed to be using my jogging stroller during this run as my friend is also using hers and it is a celebration of sorts for her daughter's birthday. Mine, is gone. Where am I heading with this, you may ask. Well my jogging stroller is in Florida. Why, you may ask? Yeah, see, when my parents visit they always have a nicer and roomier car than me so we usually pile up in theirs along with the equipment (stroller and car seat and various snacks, sippy cups and other diversions)but I failed to remove the jogging stroller before they left. So, the stroller headed to Florida in the back of an SUV hitched to the back of a motor home. And, my mom is holding it hostage to ensure that we are coming for a visit in March. Yes, mom, we are coming! Now I am on the hunt to seek out someone who will let me use their jogging stroller for the run. Besides, it will be a great crutch for me to fall upon when I am gasping for breath or working out the charlie horse or just plain collapsing.