My 40th Year, The Year of the "Re"

Papa's gone home...

2010-11-04T13:43:00.000-07:00

He passed away last night. About 10:30 Eastern Time. I am still struggling with the belief that he is not here. That I can't call him and have him simply answer "teeeeeeenaaaa weeeeeenaaaa!" My heart hurts.

REcognize a God Wink when you see one

2010-11-02T12:40:00.000-07:00

My step-father is dying. He has been fighting cancer for about 5 years. But now, he is near the end. My heart is wrenched. I love him. I love him for many reasons. He is the only man I have ever witnessed being nice to my mom. Nice, as in, not hitting her, not drinking and drugging and then abusing her, giving her a nice home to live in and a decent car to drive, being a decent man, a political man, a smart and educated man. A man who stands his ground. An entrepreneur. A political man who votes and has held public office. A generous man. Honestly, I don't know how my husband and I could have made it during our first year as parents with very little income due to my choosing to stay at home with our daughter. Every month, quietly, discreetly, a check would arrive in the mail. Each month for that first year it came. Like clockwork. No strings. Just love, and advice and prayers. Security. That is what I think of when I think of him. And now, he is dying. And, he is fighting it. This morning I asked God to help him come peacefully. To not fight and to give himself some sort of peace through this. Today I saw a butterfly, a small white one, fluttering around. Probably the last one of this season. It reminded me of my prayer request this morning. Minutes later as I parked my car a moth landed on my hood. It struggled across the hood, as if it couldn't fly, as if it were injured or maybe fighting the urge to fly. And then, it spread it's wings and took flight. I wondered then...is this God saying to me "I have it under control. He is in my wings now and I will give him a safe and beautiful passage. As a human he will fight...until the very end.

REapply: My Scary Face

2010-09-17T11:38:00.001-07:00

This morning while getting ready for school/work I rattled off a list of things that needed to be accomplished before we could leave the house. "We need to brush your teeth, take the dog out, and I need to put mascara on my face then we can go." To which Olivia replied..."Mommy, why are you going to put on your scary face?" Sigh.

REmember: In another life.

2010-09-16T13:40:00.000-07:00

In another life. I would have been Paramore's Hayley Williams.

She is the epitomy of awesomeness and coolness.

I am twice her age. If she reads this she might get a little freaked out.

When I am alone. I am her. In the car with the windows up, in the shower, on stage at Madison Square Gardens. She is me.
sigh. I need a glass of wine.

I always wanted to be MUSIC. Literally. Either on stage or back stage or producing it. At 13 I decided that I would become a producer and that I would name my label "Manifest Destiny". I wanted to be the female Berry Gordy. I wanted to have unnaturally colored hair and tattoos. Well, I still want that! But. Dreams. They sometimes don't come with you when you leave town. Sometimes they sit on a shelf and collect dust and years and time. And effort. Life is much different now than what I at one time imagined it would be. Fear. It is a bad thing. Insecurity, even worse. Oh yeah, and that I was never talented musically be it by voice, presence or the ability to produce a song...that didn't help either. I moved to Tennessee. I met John. I was for the first time in my life, secure and truly loved. I married him. We floated for 10 years. Then Olivia was born. Still floating. Love her and him more than myself...but sometimes, when I see a young wild gal on stage I float over there to a corner of the stage. The corner with play lists and empty beverage containers, amps and strings. sigh. I really need a glass of wine!

REvisit: Zumba...I'm back ya'll!

2010-09-15T11:54:00.001-07:00

Ahhhhh! Zumba, how I have missed you. Really, I have. It has been a fastfood induced six weeks without you. Although it is hard to come to you after a long commute to work, a long day at work and a long commute home. Although it is difficult to step out of the house after I have shredded boneless ribs and baked them in my Pampered Chef stoneware after being bathed in bbq sauce. Although it is really upsetting to deny my inner urge to put my behind where it loves to dwell (i.e. the middle cushion of the couch or on my bed propped with pillows and book in tow). I have come to you. And, now that I am in your face...I am lovin' you. I am transformed by the soundsystem. I become a hip hop queen, a Latin belly-dancing fool, a rock star onstage. I am a size 3 in workout gear with my waterbottle and towel. I am the stuff that dreams are made of. Ten minutes in to the class I am crying out to Jesus. Thirty minutes through and I am screaming out to Jesus. Five minutes before we get in to the cool down part I am praising Jesus. And, at the end, I am thankful that I came to you. Thankful for our time together. I grab my gym bag and turn to leave you. I see me, the real me, in the wall and floor length mirror and I vow to never leave you, to return to you time and time again. To never eat chocolate, or Mexican, or drink or overindulge at all.

REacclimate: Fit Food Shopping

2010-09-13T11:29:00.000-07:00

Hit the Kroger on the good ole lunch hour (45 minutes) and the newness of it all was a bit intoxicating. The whole lunch 3/4 of an hour was. First, the weather...sensational. High 70's, sunny, breezy and blue. Sigh. Second, the shopping was quick, planned, good couponage, and only one luxury item purhcased which was dark chocolate. I came back to the office, reluctantly. I hit the breakroom and got to work. The menu: French Onion Soup, Golden Califlower, and a bubbly spritzer (i.e. 1/2 can of Campbell's Condensed French Onion Soup, two tablespoons of croutons and 1 stick of string cheese, a single serving of (ho ho ho) Green Giant Cauliflower and Cheese, and a Diet Dr. Pepper). Delish. and according to myfitnesspal.com, only 225 calories. Rock on! Back to the dark chocolate. I am a sweet tooth addict. If you put anything sweet in my reach, I will eat it, I will move in on it and growl like a cat who has not eaten in a week, I will take no prisoners. Fun Size is supposed to make you eat smaller portions and enjoy the smallness of it all. However, I taste one and then, if you are close to me...step off, back up, shut the front door. Move out. I will hurt you. Seriously, it is not pretty. So, I have purchased this bar of dark chocolate in the hopes that I can eat one square, per day. One square, per day. To savor it, to allow it to melt and move slowly and dreamily into my digestive tract creating a mini-vacay with complete calm and no movement towards the second square one day early....I will keep you posted.

REmove: no more fast food. seriously.

2010-09-11T17:04:00.000-07:00

I am done, over it, finito, see ya. I have eaten more fast food in the last two months than I care to admit. I a supposed to be training for my first 5k which is set for Turkey weekend which also happens to be my 40th birthday. So, goodbye value meal number 2 at McDonald's. So long lovah. You are no good for me or my girlish figure. She are slowing me down and makin' my roundness a "not so good thing!" OK...bring on the whole foods and Zumba!

REcognize: Panache

2010-09-03T13:45:00.000-07:00

My daughter has style

she is a rock star.
rock on Liv.

REbuke: sustenance

2010-09-03T13:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Grande Marble Macchiatto and fortune cookie, I love you, I do...it's not you, it's me. You are just too good for me. I have to let you go. I'm sorry, really, I am. I hope you find some other pitiful idiot who should have continued her 5K training over the last six months but decided to go on a binge love affair with sugar...

grande marble macchiato and a fortune cookie. mmmm.
sustenance comes in all forms.

note the placement of my not-so-nutritional sustenance, smack in front of my current diet books and my inspirational picture of a salad eating cat (I love this picture! It is the front of a card from my Aunt Gem)

REdecorate: The tent

2010-09-03T12:58:00.000-07:00

My husband thought it best to stay far far far away from me while I slept in a codeine-induced coma due to bronchitis that I was struck with this past week.

Olivia thought it was best too. They decided that camping out, in the living room, a mere 800 square feet from me and my germs...was an adventure waiting to happen...

the tent.
notice the pink fuzzy princess slippers just outside of the tent.
no slippers allowed inside.
not even pink fuzzy princess ones.

however, princesses are allowed.

REally Sad and REally Sick.

2010-08-24T08:09:00.000-07:00

Let's wander back a few months shall we?

We lost our sweet girl, our big dog, Charlie in June. Old age and hip dysplaysia. She was our fur-child for fourteen years. It was heartbreaking for all of us but especially John. Charlie was his dog, John was her human. Then, close to her 4th birthday Olivia became sick with a fever that hung around for four days. It was a very difficult time for John and I as parents to watch her and do all that we could with no luck of conquering the fever. Eventually after a second visit to the doctor she received a shot of rocefin (sp?)and the fever broke...like a river that had been blocked by a dam, the fever broke! Wouldn't you know it, I got sick too. Then, as luck would have it, John caught the bug. The problem with John's bug is that it was mean. It was a Super Bug, he ended up being hospitalized for 7 days with a drug-resistant pneumonia. He is home and recovering. Praise God! Then, two nights ago, I took our little dog, our Freddy, out to the back yard. Twenty minutes later I went to bring her in and she was running around in circles. Not the "there's a squirrel that I must get" circles, but drunken sailor circles. Her eyes were twitching, she could not focus, her head was that of a bobble head doll and she kept falling down. I just knew that she had either 1) been bitten by a snake 2) eaten a mushroom 3) suffered a stroke. Upon taking her to the vet, we were told she had "Old Dog Syndrome" which is an inflammation of the inner ear and creates a "vertigo-esque" condition. Poor thing! The only one who has not succumbed to death or severe illness in our home is the cat. I have had a top secret conference with her. She is to avoid everyone and everything except her litter box, her food and her water for at least the next two weeks. We'll see.

REawaken: My eyes have been opened

2010-07-21T08:48:00.000-07:00

MyFitnessPal - Nutrition Facts For Foods

Thanks to my good friend, Jessica, I have checked out MyFitnessPal.com. I am in shock. Complete and utter shock. The foods that I have been eating sound so healthy and good for you with the right kinds of fat (who knew?!) and protein...I have been blind.

Yesterday, I went over my suggested caloric intake of 1200 calories by more than 2400 calories. Yes, I said 2400! My fat grams were over by 124g, my protein by 61g.

So, avacado's, olive oil, multi-grain bread, yogurt ALL GOOD. in moderation. Geez, sigh! I actually got caught up on that wheel of 'good fats, good for you' which if not kept in check will add nothing but fat and more fat to your already bulging curves.

I am proud to report, however, that I took a Zumba class at the Y last night.

After I got home from the gym and plowed through a bowl vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup (yes, I can hear you tsk, tsk, tsking or laugh laugh laughing) my husband and I had a conversation, with adjectives and complete sentences. Our daughter wants to eat junk, all junk, all day, all night. It's our fault. We have made it available to her. The "convenience" of it all is killing us. Literally. Our health is suffering at an alarming rate. I could barely keep up. Oh I moved allright but I could not give it my all. I was red-faced beyond the "I just worked out red face" My face looked more like I laid in the sun for 72 hours straight.

REdoing it: The Couch-to-5K Running Plan

2010-07-08T14:01:00.000-07:00

Arrrggghhh. I suck. Really, I do. I started out this year with "Yeah,I am gonna run a 5k on my 40th bday...I have a year to train, nuthin' to it..." but the reality is, I bit off more than I could chew in several areas. So...I still have 4 1/2 months to train. I think I can do it. It is a little over three miles. I think I can do it. I think I can I think I can I think I can...chugga chugga puff puff. I visited my fave website for this very training, it is www.coolrunning.com The Couch-to-5K Running plan or c25k for short. You train three days a week...walk, jog, walk, jog, walk, jog. Here is my teensy predicament. I am tired. So tired. The kind of tired that makes you wonder if someone slipped something illegal into your water bottle. Doc says low iron and possible anemia. I have been eating ice like I will never have the chance to eat it again. Killlin' my teeth! Here is the challenge: Will I use this as an excuse to not train? I can't! I will never turn 40 again and running on your 41st bday doesn't look as good on a tshirt or facebook post as running your first 5k on your 40th. So,I must get thy bootay to the gym and hit the treadmill. Walk, jog, walk, jog, walk, jog.

REmember and REthink

2010-06-04T19:23:00.000-07:00

So I am drinking a glass of Shiraz. Not to fond of it at the first few sips, but now it is starting to grow on me. I decide to work on my playlist @ playlist.com (find my playlists...my31baglady) anyhow, for quite some time I have been thinking about what would the Twilight Saga Soundtracks be comprised of if say they had been produced, in the 80's? Wow...many sounds come to my mind.

Fly on the Windscreen - Depechemode
The Chauffer - Duran Duran
Friends of Mine - Duran Duran
Killing Moon - Echo & The Bunnymen
Anything by The Cure, Siouxie and the Banshees,

Why does my heart flitter flutter when I hear this music? Is it because it was my "drug" when I was such a good girl? From 13-15 I spent a lot of time with my radio and my record player (note: not turntable, record player!) I was a product of divorce, alcoholism, and lots of drama. So, my comfort was music. I remember holding my radio to my ear on Sunday nights to catch "Rock Over London" at midnight...there was a fine line on the volume dial. One too many and Mom yelled for me to shut it off and one less and I couldn't hear so I had to press the speaker to my ear. Maybe that is one reason I can't hear very well today!

I can remember sad songs that broke my heart, Jane Says by Jane's Addiction and all songs by The Cure...I clung to them like they were written for me and my sad existence. When I was listening, singing, I could drift away into the world of Rock & Roll. It was a great ride.
90's?
Starting to Remember and Midnight Sun by D2

REdevastated

2010-05-26T08:32:00.000-07:00

Twilight, at my age?

It has been a mystery to me, and to others around me, as to why am I so engrossed in a series that allegedly is written for teens. Maybe because it is a timeless love story. It has all of the requirements: angst, misery, a light...falling in love with the boy that you should not fall in love with. It dredged up for me the difficult relationships that I had as a teen and a young adult.

My one-sided crush on Joe all through Jr. High. I carried a teensy little match for him through High School but was very careful to not reveal that to anyone else. He wrote the sweetest note in my yearbook at the very end of Senior year. It almost made up for the six plus years of my private heartache! Then there was Billy Crawford. The only boy to ever endanger my friendships. He broke up with me two weeks before my prom. And then, finally, there was Kyle. Truly....the worst of the worst. This boy made...no, I allowed this boy to pulverize my heart and soul. He drug it to h-e-double hockey sticks and back. Really, it was the ONE, that defined me for quite some time. It made a fool of me, it hurt more than just about anything I had experienced up until that time. It brought out the worst in me. The worst sort of person. Desperate, lonely, used. It tore through me to the depths of my heart, my soul...but I am not bitter :) After him, I took a six month sabbatical from dating...from going out period. I got my own apartment and lived by myself for six months. Then, I met my "Edward". John, my husband, is certainly not dangerous, he doesn't thirst for blood, nor is he 109 years old. But, he saved me. He pulled me from the pit I was in and showed me that nice guys, good guys, guys who did what they said they were going to do, and call when they said they would call...existed. So, for that, he is my Edward. Stephenie Meyers wrote about a universal heart problem, the one we all experience, however, Bella's story, albeit crazed and dangerous, boils down to one beautiful thing: against all odds and even the very nature of love in our realm...prevailed. It prevailed out of a story that should not have worked. So, the big three for me, the ones that didn't happen and the two that should never have happened, were dredged up for me. During this story Bella pursues the one she should not have but it worked. So, for a time, while reading, your heart is reminded of the big bad ones that you wanted so very much to work...but didn't. You can feel Edward's torment as well. He knows better, his every instinct tells him that he is more than capable of shredding Bella and her heart to pieces. He attempts the bad boy behavior that keeps us girls begging for more. The mean face, the ignoring, the peek-a-boo stuff like on one day he is talking to you and the next he is running away. Edward did all of this with a pure heart, he knew it was wrong and knew she would pursue so he did all of this to remove himself from her path, the path that would lead to him destroying her. So, the big three did the same thing...but they were protecting themselves from me, from dealing with an over the top crazed lovestruck girl. There's was not as nice as Edwards, but the same thing. So while reading this and not yet knowing if he was being a good guy or a bad guy, the old wounds open up.

REjoin, REfocus, REread.

2010-05-25T15:27:00.000-07:00

Silence. Several months worth. So sorry. It has been a while.

So much going on, I am unsure where to start. RE...hmmmmm, so many opportunities to RE.

I stopped WW, lost about 9 pounds which was good.

I RE-joined the YMCA. Zumba, ahhhh, a great workout, a great stress reliever.

RE-focus. That is what I need. Refocus and recommit.

Can I tell you what I have really been up to these last few months? Promise to listen to the whole story?

twilight.

Yes, Twilight. I am a reader. I love reading and have even dreamt of being a writer. I can barely disect and label a sentence...so blogging helps me with the writer wanna be in me.

When I read a story, a good story, a well-written story, I become invested. Emotionally. I had been avoiding the whole Twilight movement for a couple of years. See, I was/am a HP fan. I mourned the end of that series...it was difficult when it ended. I am still waiting for J.K. Rowling to announce that she was just kidding and that book 8 is underway. Really. So, when the opportunity to immerse myself into another series opened up to me, I ran away screaming "no!!!!"

However, I was channel surfing through a free movie channel weekend and caught a glimpse of Twilight. I watched a portion and then searched the guide for when it would be on again. I set the DVR to record. Big mistake, huge. From that moment of watching the entire movie, it took less than four weeks to read the saga. I am not very impressed with the amount of time, you see...I am married, and a mother of a pre-schooler, and work fulltime and commute three hours daily, and have a business. So, four weeks when you factor all of that in, is impressive. I have the pains in my neck to prove it from the hours spent up way past my bed time reading in bed, propped by pillows but not holding my neck the way that my PT told me too.

to be continued...

REquote: "The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start." -John Bingham

2010-01-24T06:01:00.000-08:00

I, Tina N. Randolph, have successfully completed my first official 5K. Yay!!!

I had not trained in almost three weeks so I was a bit unsure of how the day would go. Let me just start by saying...

"The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start." -John Bingham

Thanks to my friends Stephanie and Lee for "sponsoring" my first 5K. Blessed to have such amazing people in my life is an understatement! Mr. Lee ran and Stephanie, Ella Rose, Olivia and I joined in with our strollers after the runners had taken off. We kept a very brisk pace. Stephanie encouraged me to run a bit. I wasn't able to kick it in to gear for more than 10-20 seconds? I kept tensing up in my shoulders, arms and hands to keep a grip on the stroller. I will take Steph's advice to use the palms of my hands from now on! Although it was a smalllllllll time to run, I can say, I ran. I ran in my first 5K.

We got mixed up in some walkers here and there. People always talk about not wanting to get stuck behind the strollers...but Steph and I were Rollin' Mama's! I took her lead as she jogged and swerved like a pro throughout the maze of walkers. It was cool!

There were lots of inclines at the beginning but there was a great deal of down hill through the last half. It was really neat to see the animals that were out (Bengal Tigers, some monkeys..or were they little apes?, Lynx, Lemurs. We also got to go behind the scenes somewhat on the trail. All of the Zoo employees were on hand to cheer us on and keep us motivated. Because it was the Zoo Run Run, entrants were encouraged to dress up as animals. Saw quite a few leopards, a panda bear, a butterfly...really creative people.

The most interesting thing for me was the culture of runners. The warm-ups, the commraderie, the carb-loaded dinner after the race along with Vitamin Water. The timed runners ceremony, the gear: Cool shoes and running socks. Running socks...have you ever?

Well, it is finished. And now I am searching for the next 5K. I am greatly encouraged that I will RUN the 5K on my 40th birthday (November 2010). I see now how serious I need to be in training in order to accomplish that.

REmotivated: 9 pounds down and one 5K to go

2010-01-24T05:55:00.000-08:00

I lost 9 pounds....9, 9, yes, 9! (Channeling Ferris Buehler's mom when Principal called to tell her that Ferris had missed school...9 times)

It has taken me about four weeks. But I know that it was hard work and although I would love to see a bigger number, I am pleased with what I have. Faithful to the program? For the most part...counting points, tracking food, etc. Faithful to my exercise program...not so much. I had been training for the upcoming 5K using coolrunning.com's "C25K" program (from couch potato to 5K runner in two months) but training stalled on January 2. My last run/walk was January 1 in very bitter cold temperatures and it took me about two hours to recover from the asthma. So, the weather up till now has been either freezing (below 30 degrees) or windy/rainy. I have to figure out how to overcome this obstacle. If it was just procrastination and procrastination alone I would be ashamed. The asthma makes it tough. So, I am a bit nervous about my 5K this coming weekend. Unsure if I will be able to wog (walk/jog). I guess it doesn't matter much. As long as I show up and do.

REcommit: I have missed you.

2010-01-13T11:32:00.001-08:00

Have you missed me?
I have been away. Well, not 'away' but you know...busy. Too busy to blog you say? How rude! My mom and step-father visited over the holidays and prior to that Olivia was sick and post that our typical schedule picked back up. Eat, sleep, fight to get out of the door on time, work. Rinse and repeat.

So I have been eating mindfully. I have not been exercising. I am a bit ashamed. I am supposed to be training for my first 5K that is at the Nashville Zoo next weekend...(NEXT!!!!)but have not trained since New Year's Day. It has been fahreeeezing. Seriously. Colder than I remember it being in a long time. Had to break out the good ole inhaler that day. Took hours to get rid of the bone chill. Haven't hit the pavement since. I am a wuss. An out of shape wuss. And to top it all off I am supposed to be using my jogging stroller during this run as my friend is also using hers and it is a celebration of sorts for her daughter's birthday. Mine, is gone. Where am I heading with this, you may ask. Well my jogging stroller is in Florida. Why, you may ask? Yeah, see, when my parents visit they always have a nicer and roomier car than me so we usually pile up in theirs along with the equipment (stroller and car seat and various snacks, sippy cups and other diversions)but I failed to remove the jogging stroller before they left. So, the stroller headed to Florida in the back of an SUV hitched to the back of a motor home. And, my mom is holding it hostage to ensure that we are coming for a visit in March. Yes, mom, we are coming! Now I am on the hunt to seek out someone who will let me use their jogging stroller for the run. Besides, it will be a great crutch for me to fall upon when I am gasping for breath or working out the charlie horse or just plain collapsing.

REvitalized: Could have been....

2009-12-31T18:37:00.000-08:00

Here's to the things that could have been, but didn't make it to my fingers let alone my lips (and hips and thighs!)

1. Pizza 12/30
2. M&M's and buttered pop corn at the movies 12/30
3. No cocktail or dessert at MiMi's tonight
4. No fudge, divinity or other goodies my Mom brought with her, all the way from
Florida
5. Number 4 repeated for 12/27-present

ahhhh.....victory tastes sweet :)

Happy New Year to you, here is to a healthy and happy lifestyle.

See you out on the pavement bright and early tomorrow, it is after all, a new day and a new year :)

REanalyze: just do it.

2009-12-29T05:33:00.000-08:00

I start week two of my "Couch potato to 5K runner" Program. It just so happens that it is the coldest morning of the winter. I can hear Nike whisper..."just do it". I can hear my butt say "we are quite happy being this big...and staying in bed."

REstructure the food in my face!

2009-12-28T20:33:00.000-08:00

I have been good. Really, I have! I have eaten right, and was even able to have a little treat tonight - popcorn (1 cup) about a 1/2 oz of fudge and a wine spritzer. It was nice to have a treat. It was nice to be filled up with that treat and not desire more. My dining room table looks like my breakroom at work after my mom plopped her homemade fudge, divinity, and other treats. But, I am OK. Really. Tomorrow morning begins week two of my training. I almost feel like I should start back on week one. I am such a perfection wanna be.

REmember the reason.

2009-12-27T06:07:00.000-08:00

I am always amazed at the long drawn out process of Christmas approaching. Not the true meaning of the day, the symbolic day of our Saviour's birth, the glorious celebration of the sacrifice our God made to become flesh and live amongst us, to grow and live on the earth that He made but so despised Him, to lead up to His ultimate gift to us...death on a cross to save all who would call upon His name.

No, not that Christmas. I am talking about the commercialized event. The presents, the cards, the planning, the food, the juggling of two families on the same day, and the food. Wait, did I mention the food? The lugging out of the boxes from the shed with garland and ornaments. The removal of my normal decor to make way for the festive snowmen, reindeer and Santa. The realization that you forgot a gift and the stores close in one hour. The unexpected gift from someone that you now feel pressure to buy for even though they will tell you "I didn't give a gift to you just so you would have to give one to me..."

The phone call from the hubby's fam on Christmas Eve, 7pm, that dinner is the next day at 3pm and you need to bring deviled eggs. What??! (It just so happened that I had a dozen eggs in the fridge that I could use...that was supposed to be our Christmas morning breakfast.) Then the hubby has to explain that we already have plans and have had them for weeks. Then you show up after your other family celebration has finished only to find that the second dinner is done, table is cleared and your deviled eggs, the ones you sacrificed Christmas breakfast with and crammed the hour or so that it took to make them into your already crammed day....are now, sitting on a cleared table. And, no one save one sweet precious soul, will eat them. And the hostess, has finished her dishes and gone to bed.

Yes...that one. That Christmas. Yesterday, I was thrilled to pack up every decoration. And although I grazed here and there and didn't write down my food in my WW journal, I feel confident that I still did well.

I sacrificed my health goals for a coveted piece of my mother-in-law's famous Banana Split cake. I was quite happy to do so!

REweigh

2009-12-24T18:15:00.000-08:00

Today has been one week since I started WW. I am down 4 pounds. So pleased :) However, my Moo Moo and Papa Joe Cool are coming and my Mommy and I do a few things really well together: Eat and Shop. Two things I must be extremely conservative in. Tune in for what is sure to be a hardy har har laugh fest!

PS Welcome Jennifer!

REmember who you are first.

2009-12-23T04:41:00.000-08:00

I was supposed to resume my training yesterday morning. I was a good girl, I woke up at 4:30 a.m. and was heading towards the pile I had made the night before of essentials: sneakers, sweats, mp3 player, when I heard a terrible and pitiful sound. My Liv was coughing and crackling out "mooooommmmmyyyyy". Poor girl. She was feverish and needed mommy. I ended up calling out from work and taking her to the doctor. We hung out on the couch most of the day watching Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer over, and over, and over, and....

This morning, Wednesday, I was up and at 'em. Out in the dark and cold I resumed my training. I cut it from 25 minutes to 15 minutes. Sunday's training felt great, until Tuesday! The aches and pains were quite nasty. So I have decided that I must be more than a couch potato...I am the couch! It was cold, and it was dark, and I ran a stretch of three houses in a circle on my street. It was boring, cold, dark, and quiet. But, I did it. I think that is becoming my mantra...

I did it.

REstart

2009-12-20T05:41:00.000-08:00

I did not start my training yesterday. I made an excuse. It was cold which is not a deterrent for me. But it was very windy and rainy. Windy is not good because it brings on the migraine. Rainy is not good because eventually I have to bring out the inhaler. However...the prospect of a migraine or small asthma attack should not thwart the actions I need to take to meet my goals. So, this morning, I am going out to run/walk. Wish me luck. Here I go. Really...any minute now. I will be back in about 35-40 minutes to let you know every windy and wet detail!

PS Welcome Jamie, thank you for your kind words and keep laughing!

(hours later)
I did it! I did it!!!!
I completed W1D1 (week one day one) in the "From Couch Potato to 5K Runner" program which is a 5 minute brisk walk (not too difficult as it was FAAAAAAreeeeezzzzingg!)and alternating 60 seconds of jogging with 90 seconds of walking for 20 minutes. Now for the expert runner or fitness fanatic this means nothing. It is probably less than their "warm up" However, for me, it was glorious! I haven't moved quicker than a brisk walk since...well, since....have I ever? I don't think so! I came home to my waiting husband who congratulated me with sweet nothings and hugs and I was so overcome with joy that I actually cried. Sweet glorious triumphant tears. Lovely waterworks. I understand that the Ugly Cry will appear later in my training!!!

I now face a dilema. My training will be three days a week with one day off in between. This means that two of my three training days will be during my work week. No problem, right? Let me describe my morning routine.

6:00 a.m. roll out of bed after hitting the snooze button every 7 minutes for 45 minutes. Talk myself out of washing my hair so that I could sleep a bit longer. Coffee and quiet time with Jesus (no playing around here, an absolute necessity and thrill). Then I get dressed quickly, put on my face and wake up Olivia. She requires the potty chair (I must be present with tissue in hand) then chocolate milk and an episode of Olivia (15 minutes). Then, I dress her, grab her lunch, my lunch, my work bag, her coat, hat, mittens, and start the car. The dogs, at some point during the morning, have had to be taken out and then brought back in. Charlie requires physical help getting up and down the stairs and a trail of rubber mats from the door to the office where she resided during the day. There are not enough mats so we grab what she just came off of and run ahead of her to lay it down in time for her to get to her bed. Whew. Then, I grab the child and buckle her in, grab my breakfast and throw into the car. Make sure the t.v. is off, the Christmas lights are off, that the dogs are seperated and that the cat did not hide in Charlie's room (chinese food anyone?) and jump in the car for at least a 45 minute commute to Olivia's preschool. This requires more special attention as we must go potty first, wash the hands second, and push her into the class room where she has conveniently forgotten how much she adores her teachers and enjoys her friends. This can be anywhere from 5 minutes to 15 minutes or so....then peel off to work. Whew. Too bad it isn't actually as much of an aerobic activity as it sounds cause I would be skinny minnie!

In order to fit in two training days during the week I must either get up way early...(I am talking 4:45 a.m. cause the hubby leaves at 5:15 a.m. and someone has to watch the child!).

OR....

Do this on my 45 minute lunch hour. Where? I don't know. I can't jog in the mall, they might think I am stealing. On the street? OK...maybe, but I am not sure my co-workers would enjoy the earthy sweatty scent of me after my run.

OR....

in the evening after I get home which is just the backward routine of the above earlier described routine...plus, my neighborhood is not lit and there are no sidewalks and there are loose junk yard dogs...and...need I go on?

I think my only option is to get up early. sigh. cry.

REjog/walk: My first 5K

2009-12-18T09:18:00.001-08:00

With the help of my friend Stephanie (Mommy to Ella, Olivia's first and bestest friend) I have officially signed up for my first 5K at the Nashville Zoo's Zoo Run.

OMG!

http://www.nashvillezoo.org/events_detail.asp?eventID=5

omg.

wow.

Wahoooooo! Wa to the Hoooooo!

REally? Step on the scale?

2009-12-18T04:30:00.001-08:00

Not too scary or condemning, but it is the cold hard truth.

173.6

Yikes.

My goal is 120.

I am feeling pretty vulnerable. I have posted unflattering pictures of myself and opened up the ugly truth of my food addiction...for anyone to see. My WW group is made up of my co-workers. I have prayerfully petitioned God. I believe that is more than enough accountability to succeed. Now the real work comes in to play. I can have all of the "atta girl pats on the back" that I desire but it is now up to me. I must journal, I must plan, I must make wise choices, and I must exercise. I must not completely deprive myself of something so as not to binge later but still use portion control. I can already hear some of you (and me) saying...just before Christmas??? Are you crazy? No. I think it is the perfect time to discipline myself because the focus (for me)on this time of year has become gluttony rather than the amazing Gift that I have received from my God. My Saviour.

REcommit: this is it.

2009-12-17T14:08:00.000-08:00

Weight Watchers countdown. The hard facts of my weight are about to be revealed. I am a bit scared. Just a bit. The truth can hurt. However, when you fall into a pit (or whole-heartedly jump in, I'm jest sayin') there are two things you can do. You can wallow in the pit, hang some pictures and feel right at home, or you can look up and reach up and let Him pull you out. Then, the hard work begins. I am ready for the hard work. I know I have at least a year ahead of me. Here's to the first real RE on my list. Cheers!

RE-commit to my health (fitness, food and fun)

I will post the weight later~

REmove thyself!!!!

2009-12-16T12:26:00.001-08:00

The enemy is living in my breakroom at work. Evil lurks there. Shoot, lurks??? It is right out in the open. Waiting, calling to me...."Tina, come here....it won't hurt a bit. Weight Watchers does not officially start until tomorrow!" Donughts...I curse you and the baker who created you! I could truthfully inhale them. Ever want to know who ate ALL the donughts? Check my nose, you will find bits of glaze. I will eat the whole box, quickly. I know the headache is coming but I do it anyway. You know how a shark's eyes roll back when it is in a feeding frenzy? That's me when I approach donughts. Pretty scary. Weight Watchers....come quickly!!!!

REalize: 50 pounds

2009-12-15T16:34:00.000-08:00

I just had the annual with the ob/gyn. She lovingly yet professionally confirmed my worst fear. No, not that fear! The other one...the one that says how much weight I need to lose. Yes, she confirmed it. Fifty. Fitty for all my homies out there. sigh. I knew that was number. I have many people that, when I say this number to them, go..."noooooo, fifty? maybe 20 or 30...but fifty? Where do you hide all of that?" Well, I can't tell you my secrets! But I am posting the above picture to prove my point. Yikes!

I was 120 when I married John. I was 120 on my first and most successful Weight Watchers membership. So, if I average out 3-4 pounds per month then that means I am looking at at least 1 year for this transformation. ONE YEAR. one year. one year....

Here is the bright side of it (there is always a bright side!). I will look FANTASTIC for the big 40 and running a 5K!

REncouraged

2009-12-14T14:13:00.000-08:00

Here are some comments that have just blessed me. They were posted on Facebook or via email so I only used initials.

"Tina.....I was so touched by your blog! You and I are in the same boat that I have been in for way too long. The "weight boat" and I have been sinking it and myself. I share the same thoughts that you have shared and so disappointed in my lack of self-discipline. I never get further than good intentions. I never had a weight problem until after Connie and that's how long I have been "not happy with myself! That is a long time to let myself go. I will pray for us that we will be strong and do this thing together. You will be my accountability partner and I will be yours. Our bodies are temples and mine is in the "condemned category" right now! All things are possible in Christ. He is our strength when we are weak. Right now I hate clothes shopping. It is so depressing and I'm tired of feeling that way. Let's kick some butt and feel good about ourselves again. Yes, my butt is the place to start (ha ha).....Keeping you in prayer about this battle we are on! Love you Tina, girlfriend! – “P”

"you can do it!!!!" – “K”

"you can do it!!!! I will run the 5K with you!!!" – “S”

"i need to recommit to that too...you inspire me sista! your blog is a trip and I love it so much, is today your day 1 of the couch to 5 k? I decided since I home with **** anyway to start it again today...grrr...yes, I hate it, it is horrible....running stinks big time...but then again so does not fitting into my pants. " “J”

"You can DO IT! Just take your time and don't increase your pace and/or mileage too quickly. Sign up for a 5k to keep you motivated. Go, girl GO!" “T from Florida”

"awesome!" “C from Florida”

REvisit "the list."

2009-12-14T07:22:00.000-08:00

I want to take pictures. Pretty pictures, with depth and meaning. Not just some amateur digital snapshot, but a real shot. A butterfly caught in motion, the serious look of Olivia when she is reading, the chipmunk I spy while out walking. I have always been drawn to photography. Could have been the influence of Nick Rhodes of Duran Duran. So much influence those boys had on me! Indiana Jones, James Bond, Roxy Music, Fedora's, guy-liner....ahh, good times, good times.

Continuing my list of goals:
1. Lose 50 pounds
2. Train for and complete a 5K on my 40th birthday (Thanksgiving 2010)
3. Take a photography class
4. Learn to sew

The 5k is the big one (the weight will drop if I train and run!)
Nashville has a Boulevard Bolt every year at Thanksgiving. My 40th birthday falls into that time frame. I think it is a $50 fee and that benefits Nashville's homeless. I have been checking out this site: www.coolrunning.com which has a program "from couch potato to 5K runner."

I don't run. I despise it. I don't run, not even in great times of fear. Let me explain what I mean when I say "I despise it." I am scared of it. Scared. It is too much work, it is hard, I have feet problems, back problems, asthma...which are all a direct result from being overweight and incredibly sedentary. I posted my goal on Facebook and was thrilled to hear from some friends with encouragement.

I must do this. I will do this. And who knows, I may even become a runner who actually likes it, possibly even loves it? If that ever happens, I will have to track down Mrs. Frank who was my P.E. coach in Jr. High. I refused to dress out and run. I walked. I barely passed her class. She didn't care for me too much! Sorry Mrs. Frank, sorry!

REdigest

2009-12-14T07:07:00.000-08:00

Ever been thrilled to be back at work? I am, at least today I am! Last Thursday I was attacked by pizza. This weekend I decided to retaliate and attacked some cookies. Not just any cookies, Cookie Swap cookies. Lemon-Cranberry, Raspberry Thumbprint, Chocolate Chip, Heath Bar, Lemon Cake, Truffles, Peppermint Bark. Sigh. My Women's Community group met for a time of fellowship and cookies....I love those ladies! (and their cookies). Sigh.

I am trying not too beat my self up to bad....oh wait, I have another confession. Time to beat myself up. You can help out if you would like. McDonalds, #13. Don't know what it is about that processed and deep fried white fish on a bun with processed cheese and tartar (TARTAR!!!!) sauce that does me in. But, it did. Did me in. Done.

All because I was out during the lunch time with my precious three year old in the back seat who saw the golden arches and screamed....french fries mommy!!! Or was it me that screamed...french fries Olivia!!! I think it was the latter. Yep, it was me. Sigh.

So, today is a new day, a new Monday at work filled with structure and lo-carb yogurt and apples at my desk. Running shoes in the drawer along with comfy socks and my trusty MP3 player. Walk for 30 minutes. Start over. Weight Watchers starts Thursday. Maybe I can make up for the damage done over the weekend in the next few days so that I can still be in the 170's for my official weigh in. Double-sigh.

REconnaissance: Attack of the Pizza

2009-12-11T04:44:00.001-08:00

I should have seen it coming. I should have been prepared. Last night, I was attacked by three pieces of pepperoni pizza last night. I was overtaken quite quickly. Isn't there some sort of a self-defense class against crimes like this? Oh yeah....Weight Watchers meetings. Which leads me to the good news of yesterday. Several people at work have been trying to get Weight Watchers started at our office but they were lacking in enough people. I seriously thought about it, I have done WW before and it was very helpful. I got down to 120 pounds in 2001 and contribute my success to the WW program and meetings. However....money, like my belt, is tight. So I declined to join. Well, yesterday, I was notified that an anonymous gift was made so that I could join the meetings. I was overwhelmed with gratitude. Humbled. Wow. First meeting is next Thursday. The dreaded weigh-in will take place. I will bravely post that weight here. Did I just write that? Yes, I did. Accountability. Knowing that old highschool friends and current friends and family members and my church family will possibly read this....that is enough of a kick in the booty to work towards lowering that number.

My goal: 120 lbs, and, to run in the Boulevard Bolt 5K on my 40th birthday in 2010.

REfocus: right here, right now.

2009-12-10T04:37:00.001-08:00

four pounds down...yes!

I have found creative ways to fit in my walks such as the grocery store and circling the entire bottom suite of my workplace. That one was a bit difficult as it only took about 40 seconds to complete the circle. That is a LOT of loops which led to a bit of boredom and a dizzy spell!

It has only been two weeks, but I have been able to keep my commitments. It is difficult not to look ahead to where I want to be and see all that I must do in between. I am trying to live it one day each day. Chantel Hobbs has a great book, The One Day Way, which speaks to this point.

You can't allow the work that must be done to overwhelm you. It only creates the best excuse to stop. SO today, I will focus on the 30 minute walk and know that it is enough for today.

REthink shopping on Senior Day at Kroger

2009-12-07T17:26:00.000-08:00

I needed to hit the grocery store on my lunch hour for healthy food since I didn't prepare my lunch for today. I decided that I would head to Kroger for my rabbit food but would walk the store for 30 minutes before picking up my salad fixin's. I was in for quite a workout! The seniors were out in droves and I felt like I was on a simulation course for the DMV. I would be picking up speed in the dairy section when out of the cereal aisle would come a mini cart. That is all I saw, the mini cart! Dodged it within an inch of my life, almost scuffed up my new shoes! Headed down to the freezer section and there were more mini carts with seniors whippin' up a collision course for me! I went this way and I went that way....they kept at me. Come to think of it, I felt more like I was in a game of Frogger than a DMV simulation course! I must have come into the 1/2 way mark of my work out during the shift change because the spry seniors disappeared and the go carts came at me...you know, the ones that have a car or a bus attached to the cart....stay at home moms with their toddlers were everywhere! I must say though, I enjoyed the challenge and my butt will surely benefit from it! Dodge ball anyone?

REgress.

2009-12-04T04:55:00.001-08:00

I have been pretty faithful to my goals of eating healthier and becoming active (REcommit)... until yesterday. I had a stressful morning at work. I have a huge project that should have been completed on Tuesday but due to one important piece that I am waiting on, it is still just sitting on my desk. Waiting to be collated and stuffed and mailed. So, instead of heading out to the mall for my 30 minute walk, I waited around my desk like an attention deprived puppy....
(mistake #1....letting someone other than God and my goals determine my action)

For dinner, I had a huge (and I mean huge...probably triple what I should have had) plate of pasta. (mistake #2...eating big amounts of the white stuff)

sigh.

BUT....not defeated, today is a new day and I am determined to follow the path God has set out before me. I have a goal of being active 3o minutes per day and today I will do just that.

P.S. I did my 3o minutes at the mall, I finished my project and now the weekend is mine! I have a Thirty-One party tomorrow and am very much looking forward to that!

RErun: Did I say that out loud?

2009-12-02T04:54:00.000-08:00

(Wed morning....)
It is raining again. Clouds in my coffee, clouds in my head, clouds in the sky....can I go back to bed?

Watched The Biggest Loser last night. What an episode. I secretly have dreamed of running in a marathon and the final four contestants did just that. 26.2 miles without training specifically for that very run, and they all did it. I hate running. Could I ever love it? I don't run. Not even in times of great fear. Really, can't you just see it? The monster that lives under children's beds and in their closets is chasing me down a dark alley....and I am speed walking! Bahhh haaa haa haaa! "Whatever happened to Tina? Oh, last I heard she was briskly walking to escape the monster....she refused to give in to her pride and would not run."

(Wed evening...)
Women's Community was a lot of fun tonight. Half of our group was not able to attend but we had fun. There was an Ugly Christmas Sweater Contest. Normally I am extremely competitive. But I sat this one out. Growing up in Florida with a Mom who makes you dress up in matching sweaters for the annual Christmas picture will do that to you! Of course, I have to give my Moo Moo some props....we always did have a very coordinated matching and festive picture! I have to brag a little, I won a door prize! I never win anything!!!! It was a lovely coffee mug from Harry & David's, along with a gift card to the store. Watch out "Avenue" here I come!

(later in the evening...)
Coffee with Erin at Joezarra's. Really fun little coffee house. Our lattes were served up warm and frothy in big fat ceramic mugs. Great conversation with my precious friend. I have to report, that I was not hungry and did not eat. And...even better, I did not sample any of the petite desserts at WC....I did look. But I didn't eat! Wasn't hungry (car is stocked with healthy treats for occasions such as this!)

REplay: When will the bootay stop movin'?

2009-12-01T18:18:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was so gloomy but I walked. I needed to use my inhaler afterwards (pollen season is soooo bad here in TN), but I walked. I braved the crowds at the Green Hills Mall, left my debit card at work because I can barely afford a tea from Teavanna let alone anything from MAC, Burberry, Janie and Jack, L'Occitane...etc. But I walked. The MP3 player is loaded and ready for any walking situation. Beyonce, Dixie Chicks, Duran Duran, Toby Mac, Sade (great cool down) Queen, etc. Today was a nicer day and although the allergies are ever present...I walked outside. It was a good walk. As I walked I pondered two things, will I ever graduate to more than a 30 minute walk? And, will my butt ever get to the point that it stops moving when I stop moving???? Just askin'.

REport.

2009-11-30T07:41:00.000-08:00

Monday...a gloomy, cold and rainy day. I have suffered with allergies and asthma since my big walk on Thursday morning which was cold and windy...pollen count was not good, however I was unaware of this until a couple of hours after the walk when I felt like I was breathing through a coffee stirrer!

Due to the above, I did not walk or exercise on Saturday or Sunday. Today is a new day as my dear friend Jessica reminded me during our check-in this morning when I confessed to her that I laid low over the weekend. No fear, I will be walking on my lunch hour at the mall.

And, is it just my imagination or are my size 16's feeling a teensy less tight? It has only been a week but I swear there is at least a an extra centimeter of room in there that was not there last week!

I can faithfully report with all honesty that I did quite well with my eating this past week. I did have seconds at Thanksgiving and a piece of my Coconut Cream Poke Cake. I did not have birthday cake or any other sweets period. When the fam had taco's I made it into a salad and left out the tortilla shell, when the fam had chips, salsa and cheese, I left out the cheese. Feelin' strong. Feelin' a bit victorious and celebratory!

Can I get a "woooo hooooo?" anyone?

RE: The List.

2009-11-29T05:42:00.000-08:00

A few of the things on my list:
REcommit
I want to be healthy. For my family I want to provide healthy yet tasty meals and snacks. Tofu? Nah, don't think so. Not in this house! My husband and daughter know the difference between ground beef and ground turkey, no matter how much Pampered Chef Southwestern seasonings I throw in there!

REorganize
I have too much stuff. I have trouble throwing things away. I have piles here and there. I think I need to organize the piles so that I can actualy organize! My piles? Receipts, items for Liv's scrapbook, pictures, books, music, my Thirty-One business supplies, Women's Community materials. Then, there are the clothes. The skinny ones....yes, at one time, I wore a size 8. It was the year leading up to meeting my husband. Ahhhh, brown suede jeans, I remember you fondly...you were there the night I learned to do the Sweetheart Shadas (sp?) and you were there on my first date with John. How could I ever part with you?

Oh yeah....and then there are the remnants from my six years of selling Pampered Chef. I can still find unique uses for all 17 pieces of stoneware....how could I give up the mini loaf pan? That is vital for holiday baking (that I haven't had the time to do since Liv arrived).

My highschool yearbooks are out of the hope chest...although bulky and taking up quite a bit of space, they are completely necessary for my Facebook research...who was that that just "friended" me? Oh yes, 10th grade English!

REmodel a role model for Olivia
OK...so we are sitting at the dinner table and Olivia doesn't like what I have cooked...surprise! She decides that she must leave the table. I explain the rule, whether we eat or not, we sit as a family until we are all done....be happy darned it!!!! To which she exclaims in her most dramatic voice (I think she is going to be an actress....) "I need to relax on the couch, I am not feeling good...I think I am sick." Now, for most people, this might be kind of cute. But for me, it was like daggers to my heart. How many times have I said that very thing? Many. She is a sponge. Ouch.

Well...these are just a few. But they are a great start. Comments? Anyone?

REinspired

2009-11-27T15:51:00.000-08:00

Took this on a recent walk...found it symbolic that this little sweet yellow flower was striving to stay above the pile of old and dead leaves that had surrounded her. That is me. I took it as a "God Wink".

REally great birthday

2009-11-27T15:16:00.000-08:00

Today John and Olivia surprised me with presents. As requested, truthfully requested by me...NO Birthday Cake was present! There was the little cupcake that my sweet co-worker gave me on Wednesday that I gave to Olivia and John to enjoy. It didn't hurt...really!

The gift that touched me the most was a pink water bottle and a card from John...It said "May all of your changes come true..." Ahhh, sweet boy. He is listening! I needs me a stylin H2O container to work it 30 minutes daily!

They took me to lunch at one of my faves, Demos, and I left the bread alone. Funny how much more salad and soup you can enjoy when the bread isn't taking up all of the room Elmo card from Liv!

Then we embarked on a 30 minute walk. It was not brisk due to my head cold and having great difficulty breathing through my nose, but, I DID IT. I kept to my goal of 30 minutes daily. And John and Olivia were right there with me, rooting me on.

REstart: Today begins my journey to 40

2009-11-27T06:27:00.000-08:00

It's my birthday....it's my birthday!

So, this is it. I have thinking about this day for a couple of months now. Today starts my re-everything. My first committment is my health which includes being active and mindful in my exercise and eating. I am ready for this challenge. I know I am jumping wwwwwaaaaayyyyyy ahead, but I actually thought...could I, someday, run a marathon? A little one? After reading Ali Vincent's book "Be It, Believe It" I feel a teensy glimmer of hope. She wrote about trying everything at least once. I wonder......

For now, I will stick to the 30 minutes a day. That is enough of a challenge for me at this stage. My devotion this morning was about PREPARATION (there is a "re" in there!)

Ephesians 2:10 (New International Version)
10 For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

2 Timothy 2:21 (New International Version)
21 If a man cleanses himself from the latter, he will be an instrument for noble purposes, made holy, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work.

They both speak loudly to me. This first one made me think of the role model I will become for Olivia who watches me and repeats everything I do. The second one made think about the possible marathon some day...

RE: the beginning of the journey

2009-11-25T16:02:00.000-08:00

Re-invent
Re-pent
Re-work it
Re-move it
Re-do it
Re-organize
Re-juvenate

The year of the "re".

I am embarking upon my 39th birthday, this weekend to be exact. And I am not happy. Not with the fact that I am turning 39, but with me. Who I am , or who I am not, at this age. REmembering back to when I was a little girl. Even amidst the chaos and instability that I was raised in...I still wanted to be something special. What little girl doesn't? I didn't have a dad growing up. Oh, I had daddies...a few. But not a father. So, I didn't have that relationship to model my future husband after. I wasn't the apple of someone's eye. I didn't have a male protector. But I did have my moo-moo (my affectionate name for my mom) and my little sister. I grew up knowing a lot of what I didn't want. But somehow, I managed to gain just that, a lot of what I didn't want: weight and insecurity.

Overweight, out of shape and lots of work to do.

So, I can look at this, my fortieth year, as a sad thing...as a "look where I am, nowhere" or...

I can ....RE. I can "re" a lot of things that make me unhappy. Why, why, why should I be unhappy? I have a loving husband and a precious daughter. A thriving business, an amazing church family, friends and family...

I must begin to like me. I must create the change that I want to see. Then and only then will I start to like me and finally, love me. The things that I am blessed with, they are blessings, but they can't make me "do it." That is up to me.

My most important Re's:

1. God, my relationship with HIM (re-connecting and re-deepening)

2. My husband (re-ignite)

3. My daughter (re-model a role model for her)

The rest, well...it is up to me, I mean, RE.

My first re. RE-Commit to my health
I am overweight. By a lot. According to the doc, I could lose 50 lbs. Yes...I could actually qualify for candidacy on the Biggest Loser. Which brings me to my a-ha "re" moment. I had felt a stirring for quite some time that some changes needed to take place. Lots of changes. But I would get so overwhelmed with how much I wanted to do. Last week, I read that Ali Vincent, the First Female Biggest Loser, would be at a book signing at a book store very close to where I work. It was scheduled for 7pm. I wanted to go, I felt a strange urge, a pulling, that I must go. However, my three-year old daughter would have to come with me. Her preschool is right around the corner from where I work and closes at 6pm. My husband was recovering from surgery so he would not be in the best position to care for her...and it was an hour commute, minimum, to get home. So, I braved it. Picked Liv up and went to McDonald's (yeah, I know....bad choice) and had some dinner. Then we hit the book store. I was filled with excitement and so was Olivia. So much that she had a hard time containing it. Looking back, I feel bad for expecting so much out of her. She is only three. She actually did very well for the anti-child environment I put her in. You know where I am coming from....lots of adults, single, or child-less for the evening. Turning and looking at you because your child is not perfectly still and quiet. Sigh. But, we endured. I got to hear most of what Ali was saying. Several things resonated with me

She had a very similiar upbringing

She realized while wearing a size 18, that her clothes were cutting into her skin. Right there with ya babe...size 16 is killing me.

She achieved what I would like to achieve. Living a sedentary life style and turned it in to an active one. Living proof that I could do it

She reminded us that we have to love ourselves. Love myself? I barely like myself. Is that the missing link for me?

I stood in line. I comforted my tired child. I waited. I begged my daughter to try for just a few minutes. I got closer...there she was. Tiny and fit and darling. Welcoming me with a huge smile and a giant sharpie to sign the book. I apologized for the bit of noise from Olivia, she was so kind. She told me of a time that she had gone to an event where her sister's kids were at and she bought up as many drink tickets as she could to hand out to those who were there without kids. I remarked that I should have brought a flask for the group that night....to which she threw her head back and laughed. Comforted. Thank you, Ali.

The picture is priceless....She is in her gorgeous outfit and pretty booming smile and I am holding a less than thrilled child and my make-up is nowhere to be found after the three mini nervous breakdowns I had throughout the evening!

Liv, Me and Ali Vincent 11/20/09

The next day I made a pact with my dear friend Jessica to be active for at least 30 minutes per day for six days a week. After that visit I took Olivia to the Greenway for a 30 minute walk. Been walkin' ever since.

*Overcame the temptation of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies last night and a birthday cupcake from a sweet co-worker today (in honor of the large 39 coming up!)

Change is happening. It has only been a few days. But, I feel something inside of me that I have never felt before. Determination. Procrastination has always been a problem of mine. Did you know that "Tina" is Procrastination's middle name? Really...look!